confused

I am confused. Emotionally, physically, spiritually...as a mother, as a wife, as a Christ follower, as a friend etc...
hmm...where to start....

First of all, Matthew has been SO EXTREMELY crabby the last 3 days now. He is currently crying in his crib (which doesn't usually happen at bedtime), but I refuse to get him up because as soon as I do, I know he will start throwing things and hitting me. Is it really worth it? I think he's been so crabby because he's trying to get over a cold, he's been trying to poop (has always had a hard time), and keeps getting hurt (got a bloody/fat lip at my parents yesterday, and today ran into the wall and hit his head pretty hard). Not to mention, he hasn't been taking good naps lately. Im So drained I want to cry right now. Our apartment is SO messy and I have no energy to clean it. Im not pregnant this month, yet again and Im starting to lose my positive attitude about eating organic (The Maker's Diet).
A good thing: I have been working out a lot lately and have finally lost 15lbs since June (25 total since I had Matthew a year and 6 months ago). More 'bad' things: We do not have the money for me to go get new clothes, and we are WAY over on our food budget this month since I have started eating organic/healthier (partly cuz I still have to buy all the unhealthy stuff for Shaun, ie pop tarts, lean pockets, etc..), but he refuses to eat healthier. He says when something medically goes wrong with his body then he will consider it. Its frustrating me so much that he doesn't care about his body, or about the possibility of future medical bills. Oh yeah, did I mention my car broke down on the highway the other day? yet another expense...

and...Matthew is STILL screaming in his room. I need a vacation. By myself...no one else. Just me and God. a nice refresher...oh well, a good cry will have to do for now.

P.S. sorry for being a 'debbie downer' but blogging helps me to get my frustrations out and clear my head.

Now, just have to figure out what to do...
clean? (its not going to clean itself and I dont have a maid)
relax and watch a movie
take a bubble bath (even though our bath tub needs to be cleaned very badly)
get Matthew up and hope he will just cuddle with me and watch TV
scrapbook in silence or with music
read a book

I hate making decisions.