Stop, Drop and Roll

Okay, well here I go again. I do some of my best thinking when I am writing - or should I say typing so please excuse me if I seem to always be deep. I hope that you find this inspiring and not negative and I hope that maybe I can get some good feedback?

I am struggling today. Struggling between myself and God. I have this horrible addiction to not being able to make decisions. Before you get too worried, I should mention its mostly little decisions like what to eat or what to wear or what to clean in my house right now. I didn't freak out when my husband proposed I choose the best decisions I can for my kids but for myself Im just so afraid of getting bored with being in a routine. I am one of the rare people that like change. I grew up moving every year or two because my dad was in the Navy so I actually enjoy change! So today I hit this point where my mind was literally frozen because I am so tired of over thinking every little thing but because my mind was frozen I really couldnt make any decisions. I was stressed out just standing in the kitchen even though I was doing nothing. This is not a good position to be when there are 3 kids needing you to make decisions for them too (plus one that I'm babysitting today)! I think my mind froze because I have a ton of stress right now. I am stressed about our financial situation and how I can help fix it. I don't have a degree, I don't want to work full-time, and we have 3 kids that I would need to find daycare for if I did find a decently paid job with the hours I want. My husband already coaches and tutors along with his teacher job during the day. My dream job is being put on hold because being a doula right now doesnt seem practical with having 3 kids (having to find a sitter last minute to attend a birth). My other option is to teach childbirth classes because I could make my own schedule but to take classes and get my certification we would need money which we do NOT have right now. 
I am not saying all of this to seem negative (there are plenty more things I could go into detail about!) but I just want to know, how do you juggle everything? Being a mom, a wife, a friend, finding time for yourself including working out, showering, spending time with God, practicing the keyboard (I'm training to play at our new church plant), reading books - for fun, for education for my doula training, for church and my relationship with God (starting The Shack right now).

So, how do you do it? I have some ideas that may or may not work for me:
1) Wake up at 6 every morning to get at least 20 minutes to spend time in Gods word. The only obstacle is I'm NOT a morning person. It doesn't matter how early I go to bed the night before I feel like I am glued down to my bed every morning. It takes me a long time to be able to function. I'm not sure I'll remember anything I read if I'm so tired.
2) Using nap time to work out. I do this almost every day anyways. I just need to make sure I'm doing it EVERY day if I want to get in shape and be healthy.
3) Clean kitchen before and after meal times
4) Clean downstairs (living/family room) before nap time and before bedtime.
5) Practice keyboard and singing when kids go to bed followed by some relaxation and TV time

Breathe Deeply

I have this book of prayers that I absolutely love. Every prayer really speaks to me and helps me put into words some of the thoughts and feelings I have. I am so blessed to have this book and I would highly recommend it to everyone. It is called 'Guerrillas  of Grace' by Ted Loder. 

I Need to Breathe Deeply

(Ted Loder - Guerrillas of Grace)

Eternal Friend,

grant me an ease

to breathe deeply of this moment,

this light,

this miracle of now.

Beneath the din and fury

of great movements

and harsh news

and urgent crises,

make me attentive still

to good news,

to small occasions,

and the grace of what is possible

for me to be,

to do,

to give,

to receive,

that I may miss neither my neighbor’s gift

nor my enemy’s need.

Happiness

So...These pictures are the definition of happiness to me.

I love hugs from my baby girl.

Update: She is such a momma's girl but I think a big part of that is the fact that she is still breast-fed. Partly my choice, partly hers. I wanted to go until the 12 month mark but I am happy to supply her with the most healthy thing she will probably ever consume, a little bit longer. She nurses at least 4 times a day still on average. Sometimes more if we're home all day and sometimes less if we're gone all day. Sometimes it gets on my nerves if she just drank/ate and then asks again 30 mins later because mostly it is a comfort to her, but I also enjoy it because is such a bonding experience and it is a quick and easy fix when she is fussy! I'm curious to see how long we go, but I do know that whenever that day comes I think I will be very sad in a way. (I will also be happy to wear a REAL bra all of the time!)

 Sorry - hope that wasnt TMI. I'm have a tendency to over-share.

Please excuse our mess :) 

I also love hugs from my oldest!

He will be 5 on the 31st of this month! Where does the time go?!?! 

He wants a batman party this year and it will be at our house again. We started filling out the invites and he is writing all the names on the envelopes...I guess we should be practicing more with him over the summer because he is not doing so well. Yikes! Its amazing how much you can forget in a months time!

We are still unsure if he will go to Kindergarten or Pre-K...He is signed up for Kindergarten already but we would prefer Pre-K at the preschool he just went to this past year for 4 year old preschool. We figure it can't hurt to wait an extra year just to be sure he is ready mentally and emotionally. All I need to do is send in the registration which I have already filled out. Is it really that hard? ugh. Just never motivated when I think of it.

 And this cute kid?

Look at that smile!! That ornery 2nd child smile that hooks you in :) 

I was the 2nd child, so I can relate. I guess I was the crazy one too. Its too bad Im ending up with 2 crazy kids! (Unfortunately) Elle is following right along in Wil's footsteps as far as being crazy goes. She climbs the couches all by herself, 'crawls' up the stairs as fast as she can and thinks its hilarious when she does so, and runs right toward the street when you tell her no. She also just started hitting and telling us 'NO' which she gets from her other big brother, the oldest one.

Anyways, back to the middle child...Theres not much else to say other than he's crazy but we love him so much! He is learning something new everyday and is always making us laugh. He is also becoming more cuddly than he was for a while and I'm loving it. Oh, and he IS potty trained officially!! At 2 1/2!! Thats big progress for us considering the oldest was 3 when he was potty trained. That might not sound like a lot but 6 months is a big difference when it comes to buying diapers!! He probably only has a few accidents a week at the most whether we are out somewhere or at home!

Hoping to get back on here with more pictures and updates soon. Realistically next update will be after Matthew starts school in the fall. We shall see. Maybe I'll post about something different :)

Saved

This is the blog that inspires me every time I read it. And by inspires me, I mean leaves me sobbing and in tonight's case leaves me with a broken heart but a healed heart at the same time. How can a heart be broken and healed at the same time you ask? One word. Jesus. If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and break into pieces, He will pick them up for you and put them back together. Why would you want your heart to be broken into pieces? Because when our Jesus puts those pieces back together, he makes it stronger than it was the time before that. And not only that, but it is a bonding experience between us and God.

Sorry to get all deep and I apologize for not blogging in 6 months!!! I really have no excuse. To tell the truth, I have read books, watched tv and movies etc...Ive had time for facebook and pinterest but blogging seems to be something I reserve for getting things off of my mind. Or rather than cutting it out of my mind and pasting it to a blog, I am copying it and pasting it so that if I lose these feelings I have right now about where I want my heart to be, I can look back and maybe something I wrote will trigger those feelings again. It will remind me that yes, I had a moment of vulnerability allowing God to overtake me for that brief moment. It will hopefully remind me that this is a place I want to be more than just one day. I have the Nicolas Sparks book from the library, and also my doula books I need to read right now that are calling my name because let's face it, the kids are in bed and this is my best chance to read in peace and quiet...BUT all I want to do right now is listen to worship music and be in the presence of my God. I want to soak in this moment because I know this will fade at some point and spending time with God will seem more like a chore, or just another thing to check off of my list for the day. I need this Holy Spirit moment so that I keep this small flame burning inside me which was just a tiny spark 24 hours ago can keep getting bigger and bigger. Not only for how it makes me feel but for the sake of others around me, so that they can see Gods light inside me, and the joy radiating out of me and want that for themselves too. I want to be better not only so that I can help others and bless them, but so that God can get the glory because He deserves it so much!

"Now,
O Lord,
calm me into a quietness
that heals
and listens,
and molds my longings
and passions,
my wounds
and wonderings
into a more holy
and human
shape."
Ted Loder (Geurrila's of Grace)

Christmas

 Elle is crawling and getting big and so beautiful!!

 Wil - trouble but so cute!

 Matthew and the kids at the church Christmas program!

 Cant believe Elle is 7 (almost 8) months already!!

 Matthew - looks so innocent here, ha!

 Love this picture of the three of them!

 Matthew in his Christmas program at his preschool!

More pictures to come!

Peace

Today, I am overcome with peace. Peace knowing that I'm not going to get along with everyone, and not everyone is going to like me. And guess what? That's okay. There is not one person on this earth that is liked by EVERYONE they meet and even my sweet Jesus was and is hated by so many (because they do not truly understand who He is). I am overcome with peace looking at my sweet children. Even though they drive me crazy most of the time I am SO incredibly thankful for their health and their personalities already. I pray that they will grow to know and love Jesus and be a blessing to everyone they come into contact with. I am thinking of things positively today. Wil decided to figure out how to climb out of his crib (without getting hurt) and instead of getting frustrated I am reminding myself of how smart he is :) It is easy to be happy with Elle at this moment because she has been sleeping 4 hours right now (noon to 4:00) but really she is a good baby and the moments she is fussy it is because she wants to be held and I am happy to do that so we can create a strong bond as mother and daughter! Matthew has been really bad lately...pretty standard for a 4 year old I guess but today I have tried to not yell as much, or spank him right away and I notice a difference. He is more calm when I am calm and he still gets the punishment (time out's usually, or toys taken away) so he isn't getting away with anything, just less yelling and high blood pressure! And even though Shaun is gone today with my brother at a waterpark, I am thankful that he gets along with my family...and he loaded and ran the dishwasher this morning before he left :)
Elle is just waking up, but I hope what I wrote today will encourage you to be a little more thankful for the things in your life. Remeber to slow down and look around you: Life is not a race! Here is what inspired me to  think differently today:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/08/10-ways-to-be-a-happier-mom/

addictions

Check out this article about addictions from Relevant Magazine.com. Here is a little sneak peek:
"Immediately from birth, life is a shocker. We develop and grow, but there remains a natural human inclination to reach out to anything substantial, to stabilize us and lend us support. For some people, this innate need can turn into a full-blown addiction. In fact, 16 percent of the U.S. population is dependent on alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs."

To be honest, I have my own addiction I'm dealing with. It stems from my inability to make decisions easily. It's sort of like rolling dice, or drawing a card...without giving anyone ideas. I have this struggle between knowing that I don't let this addiction take over me too much and knowing that I should use my brain that God gave me. I do make my own decisions most of the time  especially when it comes to things that matter. I mostly can't decide where to start when cleaning my house, or how to wear my hair. It really is a thing that stabalizes me and lends me support like the article says.

A New Day

For those (probably few) of you who actually read my blog, you're probably thinking "WHOA! Whitney is posting so soon after her last post!?" Yes, it is true! This is not a dream! When I get free time, I am usually cleaning my house, or attempting to at least. And when I do get on a computer, I am catching up on emails! I have 202 right now but definitely need a break right now! (Elle is currently sleeping :))
What's new? Well, the husband has a summer school teaching job out near Geneva which is wonderful! God is so good! We definitely need the extra money since I wasn't working or getting any pay while on maternity leave from watching kids (which doesn't exactly bring us a ton of money). It seems like the perfect fit for him too, other than the fact that he is teaching algebra 2 to high school boys even though he is certified in Middle School math. The *Dean didn't seem to mind. *(It is a private all boys boarding school which costs $38,000/year!) The good thing is he only has 2 students, so it's not too overwhelming for him to be teaching something he's not super familiar with. I went to the school with him for a dinner and we brought the kids. I loved it there. I'm kind of jealous because it seems like such a great community of people. The teachers and their families live on campus which is awesome because you become on giant family, you don't have to drive to work, you don't have to pay a mortgage or rent and you can even eat in the cafeteria with the students whenever you want which saves money on food for you too! 
Anyways...I am on a mission to lose this baby weight which is proving to be harder than I remember with the other two. I have 'dieted' for 3 weeks now and have not lost any weight. I still asked if I'm pregnant and although it's only been 8 weeks since I had Elle it's frustrating because i am trying. I need to be more self-controlled when I'm at other peoples houses or in public because I see it as an opportunity to go off my diet a little (which sometimes turns into a lot). I am pretty good at sticking to eating healthy at home but sometimes my portions are probably too large or even if I'm already full I still eat more. I KNOW what I need to do, but doing it is the hard part. I also have not worked out at all really but I am signing up for a stroller fitness class that my friend is teaching which will be awesome. I have to admit that I am afraid of embarrassing myself because I am SO out of shape! But hey, everyone has to start somewhere, right? So, basically I need to start working out, and possibly cut back on the carbs and my portion sizes and hopefully I can lose some weight by mid-August for a wedding we are attending. I would love to start 'The Maker's Diet' at the beginning (Phase One) because that's the detox part but I'm not sure that's a good idea with breastfeeding so I'm just sticking to the usual big parts of it which is no pig, shellfish etc...I should obviously be staying away from corn-syrup and white-refined flours but it's hard not to pass up a root beer when I'm at someone's house, or chips with dip. Not too mention my mom is allergic to whole wheat stuff so she only has white bread. 
I should really be getting my little guys to be eating healthy. My mother in law buys us stuff from Sams Club which happens to be mostly junk, like huge boxes of waffles, toaster strudels, sugary cereal, crackers that have 1000 ingredients listed etc...She has good intentions but it makes it hard to eat healthy. Sometimes she will buy us fruit or milk for Wil because he drinks almond or coconut milk. 
Well, Hope everyone has a Happy 4th of July!!!!!!! We will be having both of our families to our house to grill out, with our first bonfire experience with Matthew!

Welcome our baby Elle!

Happy (late) Mothers Day, all you mom's out there!
I am happy to say I am now a mommy of 3!!!
(Including a GIRL!)

Welcome Elle (Elizabeth Marie) Spence at 3:23am on May 4th. Weighing in at 9lb 1oz and 20 inches long.
As you can see we did a water-birth at home. I loved it and I think it really helped with the pain! I am not going to even attempt to put the whole birth story on here considering it's taken me about 5 times to work on getting the pictures on here and if I wait any longer, Elle will have her first birthday already, haha. So at least you all (whoever you are) can see her.

pictures

Thought I'd put up some pictures from Christmas since I neglected to do so...

above: My family

below: Our Wil...I love this picture of him. He looks so handsome!

Shaun's family - his Dad, brothers, Mom and us.

It's a...

Well, to start from the beginning:
We had my ultrasound two days before Christmas so we decided to have the technician write down the sex of the baby in an envelope and we gave it to Shaun's cousin to make us a cake with blue or pink in the middle. As you can see, we are having a GIRL!! I am glad for so many reasons...although at first I think I was nervous since all I know is how to take care of boys and I know that moms and daughters dont always have the best relationships. God has given me peace over those silly fears and I am ready to embrace all the pink! I'm excited to dress her up and teach her so much. I'm excited to watch Shaun with her - I know she will have him wrapped around her finger! I'm excited to watch her big brothers protect her. I'm especially excited for my mother-in-law since she never had a girl. My husband is one of 3 boys and his dad in one of 3 boys. We broke the 'curse' of boys I guess. I'm also glad because it makes it easier to stop at 3 kids. Although I really love being pregnant and I've had wonderful births, I think I will enjoy getting my body back in shape and moving out of the baby/toddler years (I know,all you moms out there are thinking that I'll regret saying that).
It is a new year, and although I am constantly coming up with 'resolutions' all year long, I do have a few I want to try to start at the beginning of this year. One of them is to not talk about myself so much, and ask people questions about themselves and their families. I realized I have not cared enough about other people. I know this isn't an excuse but having little ones to take care makes my mind run at a hundred miles an hour - there are always things on my mind but when I'm with others, I will try my best to focus on them.

Goals

WHOA!!! 2 Posts in one day?! This is a first! In light of my last post I thought I need to take the time to write out some goals.
1) eating healthier - If Id like to eat something unhealthy, I will make sure the thing I ate before that was healthy and the thing I eat afterward is healthy. (To keep the unhealthy foods at a minimum!)
2) workout when I can - TRY to workout 3 times a week at least.
3) stick to a budget - skim through Financial Peace again with my husband Shaun and come up with a budget for December and STICK TO IT.
4) keep up with friends better - call one friend a week that I havent seen or talked to in a while.
5) Reach out to other ladies at church. Talk to someone new each week.
6) be more prepared for Praise Band practice. Listen to the songs ahead of time and practice on my own time.
7) put clothes away at the end of the day - dont let them pile up all week.
8) Pray daily! Set aside time to get quiet and just talk to God.

Hopefully by the next time I write I will be able to say I am doing well at 3 of the areas.

large and in charge

Although I'm not at the point where I should call myself large (although, yes - I am in charge - of some things I guess), I can definitely see myself fitting that description in a few months. I'm not sure how much I've talked about it on here, but at a couple different points in my recent years I've eaten extremely healthy or at least mostly. I have followed the Maker's Diet and I still try to some degree. However, I find myself eating Eggo waffles for breakfast and throwing away rotten celery and carrots and plums that I never ate. I have only gained 3 lbs this pregnancy (Im 17 weeks along so thats pretty normal I think) I feel SO out of shape! Im surprised I haven't gained more although I guess chasing kids around every day is my saving grace. Dont get me wrong, I know it's probably annoying for pregnant women to complain about gaining weight because its supposed to happen, right? But the fact is, I have nothing to complain about if I've only gained 3 lbs...I just FEEL so out of shape! And I definitely notice area's on my body that are fatty. I LOVE being pregnant and I know its possible to feel beautiful even when you have a huge belly! With Wil, my second boy, I felt so skinny even though I had a huge belly because I was working out a lot since I worked at a gym. I'm not a morning person, so getting up early to work out sound horrible to me and my boys nap at different times, not to mention I watch kids almost every day at my house, so working out while the kids nap is not practical either. by the end of the day, Im way too exhausted to work out! ugh...I guess I will have to either push through the procrastination and just find time to do it, or wait till life gets a little less crazy. I guess for now, I'll just have to make healthier choices with what I eat. How do you guys stay feeling beautiful, and healthy?

This is my story and I'm sticking to it!

^Hebrews:1 "Long ago God spoke many times and in many ways to our ancestors through the prophets. ² And now in these final days, he has spoken to us through his Son. God promised everything to the Son as an inheritance, and through the Son he created the universe."

I'm EXTREMELY happy to announce that today was the first good day I've had in a long time! I finally confessed to the hubby that I think this (stress/depression/anxiety) is a very serious issue and he prayed over me and I asked him to remember to pray for me during the day while he's at work. I also talked to some ladies from our church last night and I'm sure some of them were praying for me today too. Have you ever felt like someone was praying for you and God was reaching down and giving you peace, or comfort or whatever you need in that moment?? It's an amazing feeling and I have really felt peace today. Not stress like I usually feel (almost every moment of the day). I can't say I have felt stressed at all today. Sure, there have been instances that didn't go the way I wanted but I didn't let it ruin my day. There have even been instances that Matthew and I have really bonded.

Thank you God for surrounding me with your presence and peace today! I love you!

Stress

Well the stresses of having kids, or really having a 3 year old, is really catching up to me. Something I haven't thought about till now is how all this stress is affecting the baby growing inside me. That is my real motivator for trying to have more patience. I'm sure part of the stress is not being able to keep up with cleaning the house. I feel guilty about it, and I really don't enjoy having it messy. I wrote out a time to clean every day, depending on what we have going on, but I haven't been good at looking at it. When I have free time cleaning is that last thing I want to do. I know it makes me feel better so I just have to force myself to do it. Am I the only one that has a hard time keeping a clean house?

Another thing I have to be better at is reading in my Bible and praying. I know it would help my morning to go better if I could just peel myself out of bed a little early. I'm really not a morning person so this is hard to do. I occasionally am good at reading and praying in the afternoon when the kids are napping but I've already lost my patience and had a negative attitude all morning. Maybe I also need to only focus on the positives and humor in life instead of always complaining. Which I must add that I've NEVER been a complainer. If I complain about something, I've probably already forgot an hour later what it was about.

There are also stresses with my family. Mostly with my older sister and sometimes with my little sister. My brother is really the only one without issues, haha. I think I could also use a weekend getaway with Shaun. I think we will try over Thanksgiving break when he'll be off of teaching. To be honest, I've been sleeping well though. I fall asleep on the couch around 10 give or take go up to bed around 10:30 or 11 and usually I get up around 6:45 or 7 to get ready for the kids coming over that I babysit. That's 8 hours give or take. I think my body would prefer 9 hours but 8 is pretty average for what they say the adult body needs.

Anyways, I'll try to make the next blog more positive. I just had to get that all out of my system.
Hope you all are doing well! :)

ooops!

Wow, it has been a while, hasn't it?! I've been super busy with the boys, getting over a cold, watching kids almost everyday at our house, enjoying time with family. Did I mention we are expecting baby #3 around May 4th?!?! Yup, it's true. Wil and baby#3 will be 18 months apart which is my minimum for being sane. Anything less than that and I would be stressing out! We are planning on this being my last pregnancy and we would like to adopt when our kids are older. Maybe when Matthew turns 13, baby#3 will be 9. We think we will adopt a toddler. I like the 3 year old age even though its difficult, they say the funniest things and toddlers aren't adopted as much as babies. Anyways, on a personal note I'm very torn about what to do to prevent getting pregnant again. I obviously get pregnant pretty easily. Any suggestions? I have my opinions but didn't want to go too personal and turn you all away from reading my blog ever again :) Maybe I'll open up if anyone else has input.

I've really been enjoying the boys lately. Its really funny how Matthew likes soccer and karate even though my husband and I have never been into those sports. We drove past a soccer game yesterday and Matthew was shouting "SOCCER!". First of all it was impressive to us that he knew that's what they were playing and second of all it's pretty interesting that he is so into it when we have never talked about it or watched it. My hubby is into football, basketball, baseball and tennis, and I would like our boys to be into any of those (no more than 2 sports - don't want to overwhelm them). If I had to pick a sport for our boys to play that neither me or Shaun were into, I think I would pick hockey. I don't know why, I just see it as still being a 'manly' sport with potential of being successful. I don't think it's too dangerous, is it!?
Wil has been fun to watch now that he is almost one. His personality is really coming out, in good ways and bad ways. Today I noticed if he doesn't get what he wants he throws himself on the floor. The tantrums are being already. But he is a lot of fun too. He has this cheesy smile he does which just makes me crack up! And he loves to be tickled and is climbing on everything. I just love him to pieces. Matthew has been harder to love lately. He has really been a brat lately and is always trying to wrestle with me. Sometimes I would just like my space, especially with being pregnant again, I don't want him jumping on me and when I was going through my nauseous phase I didn't even want him sitting on my lap. He is just so loud too, and always shouting commands at me. Like at this exact moment he is demanding "drink, momma!" He always asks me for things as soon as I sit down. He sure is a lot of work, but a lot of fun too. He says the funniest things and I love when he want to cuddle with me. I love when he kisses his brother and shares things with him and I sure do wish I had his energy!
Anyways, just wanted to catch everyone up on what's going on since I know it was a while. Hope you all are doing well!

# 6

Challenge Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

" Oreo is a very sweet boy, about 3 years old. He was already neutered and declawed when his owners surrendered him because they could no longer keep him. We had him vet checked,updated on shots, and flea treated. His adoption fee is only $20. Can you give this very friendly guy a home?"

I want a kitty very badly. I want a dog even more, but I think a cat will be a little lower maintenance. You do not need to come home in the middle of the day to let it out to go to the bathroom like a dog, but pregnant women can not clean out littler boxes :/ yikes! Don't tell my husband that one.

Shaun and I have a deal (because he HATES the idea of having a pet) that if his high school football or basketball team (boys) can win states then we can get a pet! Oh boy. luckily they are the biggest high school in Ohio but they still seem to get beat in the finals.

Do you have pets? If not, what kind of pet do you want?

Day #5

Day 5 – your favorite quote :

hmmm...I don't really have a favorite quote per say, but I do have a favorite bible verse.

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

I think this is so encouraging especially when you're going through a drought in your life or a hard time. It means that God will bring something positive out of whatever is going on; that He will bring glory to Himself in the end. And...if you love Him and obey him through it, you will be blessed!

Jesus Culture - Rooftops

I love this song!! :) :)

Anniversary

Thought I'd take a moment to put up some pictures since we celebrated our 4th anniversary this past week! (couldn't find our professional pics on our computer. I know I do have them on facebook though)

(below:) at our wedding shower

It looks as if we danced a lot but we really didn't, we aren't really fond of dancing - except slow dancing - and I really hate being the center of attention, so we mostly walked around and talked to our guests.

And here are pics from this summer. One from each month.

MAY: Wil - 6 months old

JUNE: Matthew - fun on the slip-n-slide at Grandma and Papa's house. (This should be on a funny card!)

JULY: My birthday boy - he's 3!!

AUGUST: eating a cupcake. It was chocolate if you can't tell :)