Stop, Drop and Roll

Okay, well here I go again. I do some of my best thinking when I am writing - or should I say typing so please excuse me if I seem to always be deep. I hope that you find this inspiring and not negative and I hope that maybe I can get some good feedback?

I am struggling today. Struggling between myself and God. I have this horrible addiction to not being able to make decisions. Before you get too worried, I should mention its mostly little decisions like what to eat or what to wear or what to clean in my house right now. I didn't freak out when my husband proposed I choose the best decisions I can for my kids but for myself Im just so afraid of getting bored with being in a routine. I am one of the rare people that like change. I grew up moving every year or two because my dad was in the Navy so I actually enjoy change! So today I hit this point where my mind was literally frozen because I am so tired of over thinking every little thing but because my mind was frozen I really couldnt make any decisions. I was stressed out just standing in the kitchen even though I was doing nothing. This is not a good position to be when there are 3 kids needing you to make decisions for them too (plus one that I'm babysitting today)! I think my mind froze because I have a ton of stress right now. I am stressed about our financial situation and how I can help fix it. I don't have a degree, I don't want to work full-time, and we have 3 kids that I would need to find daycare for if I did find a decently paid job with the hours I want. My husband already coaches and tutors along with his teacher job during the day. My dream job is being put on hold because being a doula right now doesnt seem practical with having 3 kids (having to find a sitter last minute to attend a birth). My other option is to teach childbirth classes because I could make my own schedule but to take classes and get my certification we would need money which we do NOT have right now. 
I am not saying all of this to seem negative (there are plenty more things I could go into detail about!) but I just want to know, how do you juggle everything? Being a mom, a wife, a friend, finding time for yourself including working out, showering, spending time with God, practicing the keyboard (I'm training to play at our new church plant), reading books - for fun, for education for my doula training, for church and my relationship with God (starting The Shack right now).

So, how do you do it? I have some ideas that may or may not work for me:
1) Wake up at 6 every morning to get at least 20 minutes to spend time in Gods word. The only obstacle is I'm NOT a morning person. It doesn't matter how early I go to bed the night before I feel like I am glued down to my bed every morning. It takes me a long time to be able to function. I'm not sure I'll remember anything I read if I'm so tired.
2) Using nap time to work out. I do this almost every day anyways. I just need to make sure I'm doing it EVERY day if I want to get in shape and be healthy.
3) Clean kitchen before and after meal times
4) Clean downstairs (living/family room) before nap time and before bedtime.
5) Practice keyboard and singing when kids go to bed followed by some relaxation and TV time

Breathe Deeply

I have this book of prayers that I absolutely love. Every prayer really speaks to me and helps me put into words some of the thoughts and feelings I have. I am so blessed to have this book and I would highly recommend it to everyone. It is called 'Guerrillas  of Grace' by Ted Loder. 

I Need to Breathe Deeply

(Ted Loder - Guerrillas of Grace)

Eternal Friend,

grant me an ease

to breathe deeply of this moment,

this light,

this miracle of now.

Beneath the din and fury

of great movements

and harsh news

and urgent crises,

make me attentive still

to good news,

to small occasions,

and the grace of what is possible

for me to be,

to do,

to give,

to receive,

that I may miss neither my neighbor’s gift

nor my enemy’s need.

Happiness

So...These pictures are the definition of happiness to me.

I love hugs from my baby girl.

Update: She is such a momma's girl but I think a big part of that is the fact that she is still breast-fed. Partly my choice, partly hers. I wanted to go until the 12 month mark but I am happy to supply her with the most healthy thing she will probably ever consume, a little bit longer. She nurses at least 4 times a day still on average. Sometimes more if we're home all day and sometimes less if we're gone all day. Sometimes it gets on my nerves if she just drank/ate and then asks again 30 mins later because mostly it is a comfort to her, but I also enjoy it because is such a bonding experience and it is a quick and easy fix when she is fussy! I'm curious to see how long we go, but I do know that whenever that day comes I think I will be very sad in a way. (I will also be happy to wear a REAL bra all of the time!)

 Sorry - hope that wasnt TMI. I'm have a tendency to over-share.

Please excuse our mess :) 

I also love hugs from my oldest!

He will be 5 on the 31st of this month! Where does the time go?!?! 

He wants a batman party this year and it will be at our house again. We started filling out the invites and he is writing all the names on the envelopes...I guess we should be practicing more with him over the summer because he is not doing so well. Yikes! Its amazing how much you can forget in a months time!

We are still unsure if he will go to Kindergarten or Pre-K...He is signed up for Kindergarten already but we would prefer Pre-K at the preschool he just went to this past year for 4 year old preschool. We figure it can't hurt to wait an extra year just to be sure he is ready mentally and emotionally. All I need to do is send in the registration which I have already filled out. Is it really that hard? ugh. Just never motivated when I think of it.

 And this cute kid?

Look at that smile!! That ornery 2nd child smile that hooks you in :) 

I was the 2nd child, so I can relate. I guess I was the crazy one too. Its too bad Im ending up with 2 crazy kids! (Unfortunately) Elle is following right along in Wil's footsteps as far as being crazy goes. She climbs the couches all by herself, 'crawls' up the stairs as fast as she can and thinks its hilarious when she does so, and runs right toward the street when you tell her no. She also just started hitting and telling us 'NO' which she gets from her other big brother, the oldest one.

Anyways, back to the middle child...Theres not much else to say other than he's crazy but we love him so much! He is learning something new everyday and is always making us laugh. He is also becoming more cuddly than he was for a while and I'm loving it. Oh, and he IS potty trained officially!! At 2 1/2!! Thats big progress for us considering the oldest was 3 when he was potty trained. That might not sound like a lot but 6 months is a big difference when it comes to buying diapers!! He probably only has a few accidents a week at the most whether we are out somewhere or at home!

Hoping to get back on here with more pictures and updates soon. Realistically next update will be after Matthew starts school in the fall. We shall see. Maybe I'll post about something different :)

Saved

This is the blog that inspires me every time I read it. And by inspires me, I mean leaves me sobbing and in tonight's case leaves me with a broken heart but a healed heart at the same time. How can a heart be broken and healed at the same time you ask? One word. Jesus. If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and break into pieces, He will pick them up for you and put them back together. Why would you want your heart to be broken into pieces? Because when our Jesus puts those pieces back together, he makes it stronger than it was the time before that. And not only that, but it is a bonding experience between us and God.

Sorry to get all deep and I apologize for not blogging in 6 months!!! I really have no excuse. To tell the truth, I have read books, watched tv and movies etc...Ive had time for facebook and pinterest but blogging seems to be something I reserve for getting things off of my mind. Or rather than cutting it out of my mind and pasting it to a blog, I am copying it and pasting it so that if I lose these feelings I have right now about where I want my heart to be, I can look back and maybe something I wrote will trigger those feelings again. It will remind me that yes, I had a moment of vulnerability allowing God to overtake me for that brief moment. It will hopefully remind me that this is a place I want to be more than just one day. I have the Nicolas Sparks book from the library, and also my doula books I need to read right now that are calling my name because let's face it, the kids are in bed and this is my best chance to read in peace and quiet...BUT all I want to do right now is listen to worship music and be in the presence of my God. I want to soak in this moment because I know this will fade at some point and spending time with God will seem more like a chore, or just another thing to check off of my list for the day. I need this Holy Spirit moment so that I keep this small flame burning inside me which was just a tiny spark 24 hours ago can keep getting bigger and bigger. Not only for how it makes me feel but for the sake of others around me, so that they can see Gods light inside me, and the joy radiating out of me and want that for themselves too. I want to be better not only so that I can help others and bless them, but so that God can get the glory because He deserves it so much!

"Now,
O Lord,
calm me into a quietness
that heals
and listens,
and molds my longings
and passions,
my wounds
and wonderings
into a more holy
and human
shape."
Ted Loder (Geurrila's of Grace)

Christmas

 Elle is crawling and getting big and so beautiful!!

 Wil - trouble but so cute!

 Matthew and the kids at the church Christmas program!

 Cant believe Elle is 7 (almost 8) months already!!

 Matthew - looks so innocent here, ha!

 Love this picture of the three of them!

 Matthew in his Christmas program at his preschool!

More pictures to come!

Peace

Today, I am overcome with peace. Peace knowing that I'm not going to get along with everyone, and not everyone is going to like me. And guess what? That's okay. There is not one person on this earth that is liked by EVERYONE they meet and even my sweet Jesus was and is hated by so many (because they do not truly understand who He is). I am overcome with peace looking at my sweet children. Even though they drive me crazy most of the time I am SO incredibly thankful for their health and their personalities already. I pray that they will grow to know and love Jesus and be a blessing to everyone they come into contact with. I am thinking of things positively today. Wil decided to figure out how to climb out of his crib (without getting hurt) and instead of getting frustrated I am reminding myself of how smart he is :) It is easy to be happy with Elle at this moment because she has been sleeping 4 hours right now (noon to 4:00) but really she is a good baby and the moments she is fussy it is because she wants to be held and I am happy to do that so we can create a strong bond as mother and daughter! Matthew has been really bad lately...pretty standard for a 4 year old I guess but today I have tried to not yell as much, or spank him right away and I notice a difference. He is more calm when I am calm and he still gets the punishment (time out's usually, or toys taken away) so he isn't getting away with anything, just less yelling and high blood pressure! And even though Shaun is gone today with my brother at a waterpark, I am thankful that he gets along with my family...and he loaded and ran the dishwasher this morning before he left :)
Elle is just waking up, but I hope what I wrote today will encourage you to be a little more thankful for the things in your life. Remeber to slow down and look around you: Life is not a race! Here is what inspired me to  think differently today:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/08/10-ways-to-be-a-happier-mom/

addictions

Check out this article about addictions from Relevant Magazine.com. Here is a little sneak peek:
"Immediately from birth, life is a shocker. We develop and grow, but there remains a natural human inclination to reach out to anything substantial, to stabilize us and lend us support. For some people, this innate need can turn into a full-blown addiction. In fact, 16 percent of the U.S. population is dependent on alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs."

To be honest, I have my own addiction I'm dealing with. It stems from my inability to make decisions easily. It's sort of like rolling dice, or drawing a card...without giving anyone ideas. I have this struggle between knowing that I don't let this addiction take over me too much and knowing that I should use my brain that God gave me. I do make my own decisions most of the time  especially when it comes to things that matter. I mostly can't decide where to start when cleaning my house, or how to wear my hair. It really is a thing that stabalizes me and lends me support like the article says.